Vacation from Vacationland

Travelling with small children . . . ah, the family vacation. Such fond memories from my childhood. Our family took an annual car trip from New Jersey to Florida to see the grandparents. I recall hilarious exchanges with my brother in the back-back of our Volare station wagon as we barrelled down I-95. Travel was simpler then. Billboards didn't contain smutty ads and we were free to roam around the car, car-seatless. Ah, the 70s. The free-wheeling, free-loving 70s when 70 mph was speeding, not the speed limit.

Our family is on vacation this week and just like the family vacations of my youth, we are in Florida visiting the Grandparents (and the great-grandparents, too!). We didn't drive, we flew, and all in all the travel wasn't so bad. Our vacation started out with a bout of violent vomiting on our Son's part. Airport check-in was easy, the children were well-behaved, we did not get searched at security. All was well. We found our way to the Wolfgang Puck bar, reflected on how airport food has improved and drank two of the extra large (for just $1 more) beers while the kids climbed around on the comfy leather seats. Afterwards, we split up and followed the children around. I took the girl, she was very cute as she ran from traveler to traveler and sneaked a touch at their carry on bags. I was drunk enough from the beer I wasn't even upset when her cheap disposable diaper failed us both. The flight was smooth, one of our party cried and struggled for 2 of the 3 hours, but overall it could have been worse. She bit me but it didn't break the skin. It was a great trip. My only regret was not wearing snot-colored clothing because after a few hours of holding our 28 pound "infant" in my lap I was very nearly smeared entirely over my poor choice of a black shirt. Everyone knows how snot-revealing black is so I really should have known better.

After arriving here and settling in for two days, we loaded up into my Dad's big SUV and drove just over 600 miles in just under two days to see the great-grandparents. The travel part was not much fun, although thanks to our son, who claimed to need the restroom every 20 minutes or so for a large part of the trip and had to be availed since he is, after all, just 3 years old, we got to see many road-side stores and attractions we normally never would have. Most memorable sight: alligator heads and Florida oranges, stacked neatly together and priced just right.

Vacation from Vacationland isn't over yet, but I offer these tips to other intrepid travellers out there:
1. Wear snot-colored clothing, even if your child is well. Undoubtedly you'll be snotted, but you can maintain an unsullied appearance.
2. DO NOT attempt to spend the night in a double hotel room with two little ones unless you have plenty of alcohol on hand and a very good sense of humor, as well.
3. Be sure to have a fade function on your vehicle's stereo so you can drowned out the crying from the back without blasting their little ears.
4. Be sure to see roadside attractions through the eyes of your little ones. It is a very exciting and scary world!
5. Save several days for just hanging out. Life at home is so planned and scheduled, let life on vacation unfold on its own.

More tips are sure to come, but for now, that is all from this Vacation from Vacationland.